I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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