"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
