So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
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