i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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