i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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