Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
