As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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