I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
