I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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