I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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