ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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