The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
