Dual....:-)
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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