Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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