saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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