and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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