Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
