And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Who did Billy Mays play for?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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