You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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