What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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