Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
