I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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