Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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