i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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