oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
