just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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