i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize