So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
