I think I won the penis lottery.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I fill condoms, not promises.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize