Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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