i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
