You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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