the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Randomize
