Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
