My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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