Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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