If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
