mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
