its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The air taste purple.
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