well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
