I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
