I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
