if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize