Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize