she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
