it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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