My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
