i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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