The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
