There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She even gives head with a lisp.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
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