How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
