I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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