oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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