Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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