There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
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