You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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