I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
