I hate all girls vehemently.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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