Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
