End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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