I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
