I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
