can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
