They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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