At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
