i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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