dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize