After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
