and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
