then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize