this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize