Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
