no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Randomize
