she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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