I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
