I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
